I'm so tired of all this...

I don't know why I keep going to that group. I'm not attached to it. I don't have friends there...I don't even have faith...

I guess I go mostly because of my mother and because of my stupid eternal hope that never goes away. And if I stop going, some weeks from now I know I will be saying to myself: See it? You are lonely and you are a failure just because you stopped going there. You shouldn't have given up. You always give up the really important things.

And then I will feel like crap and I will always blame myself for it.

But I'm also tired of feeling like crap every single Sunday just because I have to go there, and pretend that everything is alright and that I like going there, and that I like feeling isolated there and there I like to feel an outsider there, as if I didn't belong there...

But if I don't belong there, where people behave like me, where do I belong???

Could you someone please tell me where do I belong??

Why do I have to act almost like a saint when I don't have faith? Why do I have to act almost like I saint but never feel like I belong from a group of the church? And why do I care about it so much????


I'm so tired of all this...